My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
