I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
