pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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