I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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