The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
