Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
