At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
