Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
