Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
