I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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