Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
