He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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