My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
