I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
