ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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