Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
