do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
