peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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