i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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