I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
