And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
