I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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