Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
