Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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