he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
