i need an iv and a liver transplant
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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