if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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