you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
