If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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