I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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