I accidentally had phone sex last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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