We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
