If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize