Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
