he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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