This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
