if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I FOUND THE LEGS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize