I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize