I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
