I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
