why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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