dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
