Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
