i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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