how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
