it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
