I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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