i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
