its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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