Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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