At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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