Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
