I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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