i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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