the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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