yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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