Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
