You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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