I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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