no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
