why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
