pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
